Monday, September 30, 2013

Make-its of Mondays Past: Jane Austen's Dungeons and Dragons

Bonus post for your lunchtime enjoyment!



Long before mash-ups were all the rage, an adolescent me had visions of comic grandeur. I occasionally put pen to paper and in my hormone and Stridex-addled state, attempted to write things that I thought were brilliant bits of sketch comedy. Well, this past weekend, the Wife and I dug a bunch of boxes out of the old family storage unit to be reorganized and transported to the NEW family storage unit. Among the detritus of my murky past, I stumbled upon one of these sketches that appears to be of high school vintage.

Perhaps against my better judgment, I have decided to post it in its full, un-revised glory for you lovely readers. BEHOLD A GLIMPSE INTO THE MIND OF HIGH SCHOOL GEOFF!


The Lost Works of Jane Austen


NARRATOR

Good evening and welcome to The Lost Works of Jane Austen. Today, we will see a scene from one of Ms. Austen’s earlier works. Written during her adolescent years, this piece addresses the awkwardness and insecurities which so many of us feel during puberty. I know I sure did... (uncomfortable pause) ... So, without further ado, I give you Jane Austen’s Dungeons and Dragons.

(ELIZABETH sits at a table having tea. Across from her sits a DWARF in armor with a battle axe by his side.)

ELIZABETH
It is most kind of you to come calling kind sir. I’m afraid we receive few visitors during these long winter months. But I am afraid I have not yet learned your name.

DWARF
I am called Thorblack Firehammer, Slayer of The Great White Wyrm and Lord of Thunderhall!

ELIZABETH
Oh my! Well, it certainly is a pleasure to meet you Mr. Black. Are you perchance a relation of the Gloucester Blacks?

DWARF
I come from the Underrealm buried deep within the Daggertooth Mountains beyond the Shadowmoors.

ELIZABETH
I suppose not then. The Gloucester Blacks surely would have mentioned if they had a lord in the family. They are the most dreadful braggarts. Would you care for some more tea Mr. Black?

DWARF
I much prefer to slake my thirst with a frothing flagon of mead...

ELIZABETH
Well, I’m afraid we’re fresh out of mead. I can offer you a bit of brandy to take the edge off the cold.

(She goes to pour the brandy into his cup, but the DWARF snatches the bottle away and pounds the whole thing.)

DWARF
Aye, that’s good for what ails ye.

ELIZABETH
(Taken aback) Oh my... Uh, well Mr. Black, you have not yet told me the purpose of your call.

DWARF
I come seeking plunder and conquest!...

ELIZABETH
How simply dreadful! I am afraid you have had too much brandy Mr. Black and I must ask you to take your leave.

DWARF
Not ‘til ye hand over yer gold!

ELIZABETH
I shall do no such thing! Now I bid you good day!

DWARF
Then I shall take it by force! Aye, and ye’ll make a fine wench to warm me bed.

ELIZABETH
I do not accept your proposal Mr. Black, and shall defend my honor to the last.

DWARF
Good! There be nothin’ like a good brawl... Now you shall fall beneath the mighty stroke of Orcsbane, Axe of the East Star!

(He charges Her with axe raised overhead and she promptly knees him in the groin. The DWARF collapses to the floor in a fetal position.)

ELIZABETH
Little did you know that I have +5 mastery in crotch kicking. (She flounces offstage.)

(End)
©Geoff Nunn

Honestly, I think I may try to turn this into something a little more polished with a bit more of an arc to the scene. Anyway, stay tuned to the blog, because this weekend turned up some other awesome stuff from my childhood that I plan on sharing with all you lovely folks.

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